SUBCONSCIOUSLY

I Asked God to Choose When I'd Quit Smoking, and His Answer Changed Everything

• Shea Gelowitz • Episode 22

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Have you ever wondered what would happen if you stopped trying to change yourself and instead asked God to choose the perfect timing? After an emotional breakdown in my previous episode, I disappeared from podcasting while secretly battling a spiritual crisis that was pulling me back toward old destructive habits.

In this raw, vulnerable conversation, I share how one month away from my faith showed me what "hell" truly feels like—not flames, but the emptiness of living without divine connection. The testimony unfolds with a moment that can only be described as supernatural: a fellow believer receiving a vision during prayer that perfectly mirrored words I'd spoken in my previous episode, proving God had been listening even when I wasn't speaking to Him.

The centerpiece of this spiritual journey involves my eight-year smoking addiction and the surprising approach that finally worked. Instead of making promises I couldn't keep, I surrendered control entirely: "God, YOU tell me when I'll quit smoking because I'm tired of breaking promises." His answer—"end of February"—manifested in perfect timing when my vape died on Valentine's Day, the first day of vacation when I could manage withdrawal symptoms without work pressures.

This isn't just a story about quitting a bad habit; it's about discovering how joy becomes a choice regardless of circumstances, how God prepares ways before we even ask, and why authentic faith exists beyond the failures of religious communities. For anyone who's felt like they've wandered too far to return, this testimony offers hope that the way back is already being prepared.

Whether you're a devoted believer, someone curious about spirituality, or even someone who has been hurt by religion, this deeply personal conversation explores how finding purpose sometimes requires losing your way first—and how divine timing works even when we've given up on ourselves.

Shea:

Hi guys, welcome to Subconsciously. My name is Shea and this is the place where I let my subconscious thoughts do the talking. Hi guys, welcome back to another episode of Subconsciously. This is after recording Shea coming back to just let you know that this was a very deeply personal episode for me. I wanted to already put the warnings out there, if it's not in the title. There's going to be testimonies of my experience in my Christianity and if that is a trigger of yours, I pray that you can listen with an open heart and an open mind and maybe possibly change your perspective or maybe gain another perspective to add to your life. But I thought I'd let that trigger warning be out there and also there's trigger warnings of talking about past lives and talking about possible unaliving situations and mindsets and anxiety and depression and all those heavy topics for a brief 30 minutes, maybe less. But I thought I'd leave the trigger warnings all here. Please listen at your discretion and I hope to hear from you guys very soon. Okay, on to the episode.

Shea:

I feel like I'm constantly recording at the oddest of hours, like right now it is 10: 34 PM on March 27th, so by the time this episode possibly comes out, Subconsciously will be one years old. Yay! Hi guys, welcome back to another episode of Subconsciously. I gotta back up like a month and a half. A lot has happened, but also not a lot has happened and so I'm not gonna apologize. I feel like every time I'm on this podcast and I've taken a mini hiatus, I'm apologizing. Today, I'm owning the fact that I needed to reflect on myself, because the last episode I recorded and published to the world was "you have a plum on your back, and that ended with me crying about purpose and just not being who I am, and I needed a little refresher to go find myself, go rewind myself, go heal my inner child, let my angsty teenager out. And here I am back to being a functional adult. So don't mind me, if I am yapping and then all of a sudden I realize, "oh my gosh, my tea is brewing because I put my tea bag in my tea cup, but it has to brew for like 10 minutes. I'm supposed to be sleeping right now. It is a Thursday as I'm recording this. It is Thursday at 10:36. Most normal people who have a functional job that they have to get up early for, are asleep by now.

Shea:

Probably have done r eading their Bible and talking to the Lord, God Almighty, but I think he had other plans because I've been wanting to do this episode for so long. So you, you can thank the Lord for this one. But I was so ready, like I'm in PJs as we record right now, like I'm in my white uniformed PJs with wiener dogs in Christmas sweaters on. Why did I feel the need to tell you that? I don't know. But this is to just prove to you how ready I am for bed, skincared up, holding my blanket in my hands, just like, "please let me go to sleep. I didn't have any sugar, no energy drinks. I'm just naturally like ba-bam awake.

Shea:

So get to the point Shea, what's going on? Honestly, these past month and a half, I feel like this episode is going to be a guys., I'm telling you this is like the subconsciously to the subconscious of the subconsciously. You know what I .. mean that,. Oh my gosh, I'm actually going insane. I'm probably like the only person awake right now in my household and I'm yapping beyond belief. But thanks for coming, thanks for tuning in. Here we go, okay.

Shea:

So the last time I updated you that was like what? Beginning of? I almost said beginning of March. That's not true. Like beginning of February, end of January, maybe, dang, I'm so sorry, guys, I went like now I'm going to apologize. I am actually really sorry for going on a hiatus, but I think you guys would all understand after the Plum in your Back episode how I was genuinely seeking answers for purpose and genuinely wanting to better myself because I was going through the worst anxiety depression rabbit hole, almost gave up on God for a second, but then God pulled me back and was like nope, we're not going down that rabbit hole, okay, and we're going to skip that rabbit hole Anyways. So I have to go backwards. Let's start with the most important and realistic thing that I'm was going through then, versus what I'm going through right now, which I'm very proud of.

Shea:

And I just want to let you guys know already off the bat whether you know me or you don't know me in real life I'm going to be talking a lot about God. So if that makes you uncomfortable in any retrospect, I just want you to open your eyes and open your mind and your heart to the many little mini testimonies I will be giving throughout this video not even video through this podcast episode. It is a good one. Let me tell you episode. It is a good one. Let me tell you I don't know why, in my heart, I feel so nervous to talk about God, especially because it's the internet and everyone has their opinions and people use religion as this thing to attack other people. But I'm just genuinely here to tell you my experience with God and genuinely here to tell you of the mind-altering subconscious realms I've been placed in this past month and a half and in order for me to tell you how my month and a half was while being away, it requires me talking about my religion. But in the way that I view it, it's not a religion, it's very much a relationship, and the way that I'm being guided right now is whoa, mind blowing, subconscious, conscious, conscious altering. Anyways, I thought I put that disclaimer out there because I know this world can be very twisted and I want to be very upfront with you because this is my subconscious and I really don't look at the comments or look at what people say, but I want to be forward because this is what's in my subconscious brain. I promise we'll get back to the normal episodes very soon, but in order for me to tell you what I've been going through, I have to put that disclaimer out there, because I'm not here to shove religion down your throat. If you love Jesus, you're going to love this episode, anyways. You love Jesus, you're going to love this episode, anyways.

Shea:

So, oh my gosh, why does this make me so nervous? Oh my gosh, it makes me so nervous. Honestly, I've been having to get very real with myself in the past month and a half, like to the point where I felt like, oh my gosh, why am I going backwards, like I've been progressing so far in my walk. I've been just, I've expanded my mind so far from where I was like two or three years ago that my brain, immediately even my heart, was racing. When I tell you, I've never gone back to how I was at the lowest of the lowest three years ago. But I almost went through that again and I was like, absolutely not. Yeah, I had one of those moments where I won't lie I was very scared and I'm still very scared. I don't know why I'm so nervous, but I think God is putting it on my heart, so I have to say it, but I think God is putting it on my heart so I have to say it.

Shea:

I had a very strict moment, a strict month of my life where I wasn't motivated to do the podcast. I wasn't motivated to do any type of business thing. I wasn't even paying attention to my relationship with Christ. I was just very mentally stuck in a place that was so negative. And let me tell you, in the briefest of ways, I am still learning how to depend on Christ, the way that very, very firm, firm believers depend on Christ, and I think me being honest about it in this very early stage of my walk with Christ is very important to me and it's very important. It's just very important in general like to very much tell you that I am still very much human. I'm still very much a person who makes mistakes. I'm very much a person that is still processing how to walk in a different way than how I used to walk. And in order for me to be 100% honest, I have to tell you who I was versus who I'm trying to be.

Shea:

Oh, my gosh, hold on team. I gotta go get my tea. Sorry for the brief intermission there. For a second. It probably for you it didn't feel like that, but for me it was quite a little bit. I had to go to my kitchen, anyways. So we're at testimony time, right, hold on. This needs a tea sip. It's hot, never mind, I have to wait. Fridge, oh, fridge. Should I put it in the fridge? No, then that defeats the whole point of a hot tea. Oh, my goodness, I'm guys.

Shea:

I don't know why I'm so nervous to make this episode, because I feel like it's gonna cause a divide, and this is not what this podcast is supposed to be about. This isn't a place to divide. It's to show love and be honest and real. And I don't know why I'm getting so nervous about it. But, okay, testimony of how I used to live my life, pretty much before I started the pod, before I walk the walk with Christianity. Let's get my past on the table. Everyone knows like a brief little part about me, but they don't know the real things and I feel like I'm hiding myself because I'm trying to get to know myself as well. But I feel like this could help somebody. So, as much as it's making me nervous, I have to be real.

Shea:

Before I met Christ, I was very much a person who was bitter, angry, unforgiving, too forgiving at times. Sometimes I was straight up mean. I would give chances to people who in that time frame I felt didn't deserve those chances. I made very brutal mistakes and hurt people in the process of it. I self-sabotaged everything. I didn't know what true love was. I gave everything that I had to people who destroyed me from the inside out, but in return, because of those brokenness and those unlovable qualities I started to manifest within myself and the other people poked and proddled into me. I, in return, became very vindictive and angry and didn't want to talk about things and didn't trust people and was very much a person that was wounded. I was a very wounded person. Yeah, I guess wounded is the right term.

Shea:

But along with those traits that I carried, I also carried really terrible habits. I swore I smoked, whether it was nicotine or marijuana oh, it makes me feel so icky. I was just doing a lot of things that make me icked right out to my core now, but I believed in a very much what you see on the media I was probably doing, minus hard drugs, because my dad always taught me if it's going to be a hardcore drug he was going to kill me before the drug could kill me. So that scared me because I was a very um what do they call it? An impressionable child, and so I didn't want my dad to kill me before the drug could kill me.

Shea:

So, again, very impressionable person, very impressionable child, very open-minded person, which made me very open-minded to every single idea that was out there, no matter what the person, no matter how I felt about it. It didn't really matter what I felt about it back then. I was definitely a people pleaser, but in the worst of ways. I wasn't like a pick-me person, but I was a definite. If you had something to say, I was the one to listen to you. And, as you can tell, with this pod, I'm still that way in a lot of ways, but I think I have a lot more boundaries than I did back then.

Shea:

Back then I had no boundaries. I didn't know where the lines were. Everything was a gray area. Everything was oh, this is good, but what classified it as good? Oh, this is bad, but what classified it as bad? I didn't have what is it called? A rule book, like I know what, like Barney had on, like how I Met your Mother when he had like the playbook and that's like his rules of playing women. That's my little tidbit on the side.

Shea:

Anyways, with all of that on the table of who I was and what state of mind I was in, I was definitely also with all those traits and all those bad habits I had. I also, because of all of these things, developed extreme anxiety, extreme depression. Yeah, I tried to do stuff to myself that I will not disclose on this podcast in full detail because that's gruesome and I still love to love life, so we're not going to talk about that, but you get what I'm talking about. I was very much that person, very much in my own area, but I was still high-functioning, I was still going out, I was still doing my job, I was still doing everything for everyone. Even if I hated it, even if I didn't like the person, I would still do it. I was that type of person. And so now we get to 2022. As we know on this podcast, 2022, my brain chemistry completely altered and that's where subconsciously came from. If you want to know more about that 2022, what I mean by that, go listen to episode four. You'll get it. You'll understand why.

Shea:

Anyways, so now we've established who I was, my habits and how I felt, where my mental head was at, where my subconscious was. Now, let's speed up. It's 2025, now Dang 2025, that's like three years, anyways. 2025, maybe like a month and a half ago, two months ago now, as scary as it sounds, I was with Christ for maybe a year, fully in his word, fully in talking to him, fully being his follower, talking to him fully being his follower. And what was scary is I went through my own mental leading up to the last episode I made so the plum on your back.

Shea:

I was going through a lot of high functioning type of depression things. I was going to work but I didn't know if I was meant to be there. I was doing side ventures, didn't know if I was meant to be there. I was doing side ventures, didn't know if I should continue them. I tried to make a podcast episode. I promise you, I tried to make a podcast episode at least three or four different occasions, each of them. I promise you, I'll probably make a medley episode at some point with all the podcast episodes I have like in segments.

Shea:

But I had to be honest with myself during that time. I wasn't feeling it. I couldn't be that person that was giving you negative energy. Like that's not who I am in real life at all, like I don't want to give someone negative if there can't be a positive to it. That's my new mindset. To every negative there is a positive, and with that positive there's even more positives with it. So I like to counteract. You know, if there's one negative, there's always going to be something positive.

Shea:

Right, how I like to explain this period of my walk with Christ is in the Bible. It states in Job. In the whole story of Job and I think I've talked about the story of Job on this podcast a couple times he had it rough, let's get that right out the way. He had it so rough. It was also the first book in the Bible I ever read and obviously it had to be the saddest book in the way he had it so rough. It was also the first book in the Bible I ever read and obviously it had to be the saddest book in the Bible. That it was my first story I ever read in the Bible, anyways. So he had it rough, okay, but the one thing I took away from this story is God allows Satan to send you that trial, to send you the tribulation, to send you the pain and the heartbreak, to see and test you on what you're going to do. So let's just say my faith was not rooted.

Shea:

I was definitely like a surface level where I was when this trial came to my attention, I guess and around this time I was smoking a lot because I was in that high functioning depression state I was definitely like relying on my vices and my sins more than I was. God and what I like to call this phase of my life and I kind of tell God about it now in our talks and my prayers, I tell him and I tell everyone because it's really like it really shaped my subconscious. He showed me what hell was like in one month, just one month of not praying, of not reading, of not going to fellowships, of not going to church, of not being with God. One month he showed me what hell was like in one month. In that one month that I spent away from him, not talking to him, not going to church, not being in fellowship with my brothers and sisters in Christ, not being in my ministries, not feeling love Just all of those traits that I mentioned in my old walk is what was happening in this new walk and that scared me because I was like, am I going backwards?

Shea:

I thought I was doing everything right. How can I be going backwards, right? Anyways, so during this time I'm not doing any of that and only relying on my vices I realized how far gone I was and I was opening up to some people because I was still. Obviously I was still going out. I was opening up to some people because I was still. Obviously I was still going out. I was still celebrating birthdays, I was still having people tell me about their walks with Christ and wanting to find hope. I guess again have some faith rerouted in me. And I just sat there, I just felt like a robot.

Shea:

You know, I don't know if you've ever been in that circumstance where, like you want to relate to someone so badly but you have no idea what they're talking about. Like you have no idea how much they care about that certain subject or they want to progress in this certain part of their life, and you can't relate, you can't do anything about it and it gets awkward because you're just like wow, that's a nice revelation that you made. Oh, that's great, and I can't relate to any of it and that made me feel like the weirdest possible feeling I've ever had, right, anyways, yeah, so in that one month he showed me what hell was like, and I know a lot of people when they think of hell, they think of the flames, they think of people burning, they think of that. How God showed me what hell was like was just showing me what it was like to live without him and what my life looked like without him and how massively it went to garbage really fast, and how I felt like Simon sinking after he walked on water with Christ. I felt like Simon in that moment, like having no faith and sinking after having so much faith for so long and being able to walk on that water. You know, he really showed me that.

Shea:

So, and I was tired of making false promises Like we all have that one person that says, oh, I promise I'm going to pay you back, or I promise we're going to hang out at some point, or I promise this, or I promise that I promise I wouldn't do this again, but I did this again. Oh, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. We all have that person in our lives and we can be honest. There's always going to be one person like that in our lives and I told God, after finally surrendering myself again and coming back to his presence and you know being that lost sheep for that little while there, I told God I'm tired of making promises to you. I'm tired of saying I'm going to quit smoking or quit drinking, or quit this or quit that, and then pick it up literally right after I end that prayer, being so for real and obviously don't condemn me for this part of my walk. Continue praying that I don't go back there, because I don't want to go back there. Trust me, if I could condemn myself, I definitely am. There's still a lot of guilt in me for the things that I used to do and the things that I possibly could do. I am not a perfect person, let's get that off the bat.

Shea:

But in this time that I finally come back and I was so anxious to talk to Christ again and I've never had that feeling talking to Christ after being away for so long, even talking to my brothers and sisters in Christ, like at church, I didn't know what to say to them, like I would just put it on a smile and like ha ha, guys, it's so nice to see you. God bless you. It's so nice to see you, god bless you. And then, like we had this really serious topic at fellowship and was like, how are you really? What's going on in your life? And I was like, okay, guys, I can't tell you guys in a straight voice. I'm going to talk to you guys like this, so I wouldn't cry. And then, less than an hour later, I end up crying my eyes out. So really, who's winning here? Anyways, tea break. Oh, this is some good herbal tea.

Shea:

Anyways, let's just say, when I finally came into my first prayer alone, I wasn't at church, I wasn't out of fellowship, it was just me in my room and I finally talked to God. I was crying, but not out of sadness, but out of pure gladness. Like there's so many little testimonies I can't even explain to you how wild my experiences were. In the future there's, like there's so many little testimonies I can't even explain to you how wild my experiences were. In the future there's going to be so many testimony episodes that I can't even begin to tell you. And so I thought I'd get this part out the way. Now I'm in my talk with God and I'm not crying out of sadness anymore, but I'm crying out of pure gladness that he was actually there that whole time and I didn't even realize it. So, in order for you to understand what I just meant by that, in the plum episode I was not talking to God. This will give you the time frame. Okay, in the plum episode, when I recorded that I was not talking to God, I was not even in a journey. My walk was I'm sitting on a bench, timeout coach, I'm sitting on a bench, okay. So in that episode I'm talking about the gallon jug right, talking about how I'll gladly give water to anyone and everyone, but I won't give water to anyone and everyone, but I won't give it to myself. That's what I said in that pod episode.

Shea:

The following week, I go to the fellowship and when I finally tell one of my sisters in Christ about what I'm going through, I have never, guys, when I tell you the vulnerability I had to have in order to be honest about what I was going through was so hard for me. Oh my gosh, why am I crying? It was so hard for me. It was so hard for me to be honest with people who love God, because they love God, and God is just, you know, and God is also someone I fear a lot, and obviously it's good to have a fear of God, because it shows that you know anyways I don't know how to describe this right now okay, I need to stop crying anyways, to be vulnerable and honest with someone who you know loves God with all their hearts, and having to tell them what I've been living in the darkness rather than the light. It made me feel really scared, because there's a lot of Christians that I know in life that will condemn you if you even be honest for a second, that you are part of your flesh, that you are going to make the same mistakes, sins even that could kill you, right, kill your soul. And so being honest and vulnerable was so hard for me, especially having this be the first fellowship back and I'm crying my eyes out.

Shea:

But, guys, I've never had someone pray in tongues. I was so for real. Pray in tongues. I was so for real. I was like I don't know anyone who's been able to pray in tongues. I've never heard anyone pray in tongues. I do not even know how tongues work. I don't, and I'll be honest, even right now I still need to understand how it works. All I know is and, again, I'm still learning. So please don't come at me anyone who's obviously been in this community a lot longer, but from my understanding, praying in tongues is praying in Hebrew. Right, this sister in Christ is a full-fledged Filipino. Okay, this is only the second time she's ever prayed in tongues. I won't lie.

Shea:

My flesh was doubting, but my soul really wanted to believe it, believe in this prayer. So I just closed my eyes and I just let her do her thing. And then, all of a sudden, she looks up at me and she says I just got an image in my head and it was of Jesus coming up to you and giving you a glass of water and like a fancy, like fine China, like tea mug, ah, ah. And I look at her and I say no way, you be quiet right now. She's like no, that's what I saw. She's mid praying. And then she like looks at me and she's like no, that's what I saw. She's mid praying. And then she like, looks at me and she's like I see something.

Shea:

Again, you are gonna think my world is insane. Imagine my subconscious. Okay, and I want you to know that I can't make this up. I have no reason to make it up. I don't have any reason to tell you that my life is fake. Okay, this and I have so many witnesses to this one thing. But I told her it was water in a cup, specific, and she's like yeah, why, yeah, why, like that's what I saw and I was like, and then my brain immediately connected it to the episode of me not talking to Christ and me saying I'd give out all my water just to have one cup for myself. But even if I had one cup, I'd still give it away. And then to have her say that she saw Jesus giving me a cup of water. Like that. I don't know how to explain that in any way. And it's so terrifying in a lot of ways that even when I was blatantly ignoring him, he was still there, he was still comforting me, he was still here in this room and like man. That's just one, one small little testimony of how God was there. I didn't even know it. Again, I I can't unpack all of this because this is literally only a couple months.

Shea:

Anyways, back to the prayer, back to the original reason why we're talking about this. Okay, in my talk with God, I finally told him about that prayer and crying out of gladness rather than sadness and wanting to choose love and promises. Oh yeah, we're coming back to the promises. So I was tired of promising God that I would stop all these sins and then just blatantly go back to them, because I was so weak and I gave into temptations very easily. But instead I was like you know what, god, I am tired of saying I'm going to give it up. Why don't you just tell me when, in your perfect will, when, I'm going to give it up Because I'm tired. I'm tired of blatantly lying to you, I'm tired of breaking promises when you are the promise keeper. I'm so tired of breaking promises, lord. So tell me, lord, when am I going to quit smoking? Because that was the biggest vice in my whole life not current season was. I was relying on vaping and smoking and anything that wasn't God and breaking promises. That you know was there. So he told me end of February. After meditating on it for a couple of days, obviously, I finally heard his voice in my head and he said to me end of February. And I was like end of February, so I'm aiming towards like the 20th or whatever.

Shea:

Add up all together that at the end of February was my vacation and leading up to my vacation, the last day of work, my first day of vacation, technically right, my vape is like on its last legs. I know it's lasting, it's going. When does it die? It dies right at the end of my work day. It dies at a point where I can't, even if I want to break my own promise and go buy one. I can't. I don't have time to for one, for two. I have fellowship, like that two-hour window, and I have to drive very far because my work is away from my home, my house, so I have to drive pretty far to come home. I won't have time to pit stop anywhere, because I think there was also it was a new place we were going to as well for fellowship. So I didn't want to be late for that either. We were starting earlier.

Shea:

There was like a very, very tiny window of me being able to do anything. But my brain was very lucky because there's a pharmacy near my house. And what do they give out for free? Nicotine patches. And so God literally spoke it into existence. I no longer had to promise him that I was going to quit, but he made the way that it was. My only source of nicotine was a patch, I couldn't smoke anymore. When I tell you that's only an act of God, that is an act of God, that is the ultimate act of God actually, Because that meant he heard me, he commanded it and I obeyed it. I didn't buy.

Shea:

Honestly, I've been smoke-free since Valentine's Day. Literally, that was my first day of vacation Valentine's Day. Literally, that was my first day of vacation Valentine's Day. So his greatest act of love for me on Valentine's Day was me giving up my smoke. Like how do I explain that? It was like happy Valentine's Day. I love you, but here's the way that you asked for, here's the answered prayer you wanted this current moment.

Shea:

I can honestly say to you I'm very proud of myself because I still have not bought my own. I will be very transparent in saying that I still have my temptations and times that I want to, but in terms of having it on my own and my personal day-to-day life, I have not and that is a victory that God has given me. And I know it's going to be a very long journey because obviously I have been smoking for like eight years but still in eight years, the fact that I've been pretty much smoke free for a month and a half now. That was a goal I've never thought I would get to, and I'll feel even more free when I don't even need a patch anymore. But I've gone down in my nicotine dose in my patch, like there's so many hidden victories that I'm so grateful for. And so, yes, god picked the best time for me to quit, because everyone knows when.

Shea:

The first three days of you getting off nicotine are like hell on earth, literal hell on earth. You become snappy, you be, you have a lot of attitude, you are very, very mean, you're suffering from withdrawals, so you can go from being very hot to very cold, to very oh my gosh, why am I even in my own skin right now? But God really chose a time where, if I needed to isolate myself, I could, because it's my vacation and there's nothing anyone can do to stop me, and it was just perfect. It was literally his perfect timing and his perfect will, and I can't thank him enough for that. So I don't know how long I've been yapping for, let's see, almost an hour. That was almost an hour.

Shea:

Oh my gosh, guys, I don't know if I'll be able to tell you everything. I just let me speed, run, speed, run the last little bit of where I've been, what I've been up to. That's like the main gist Me having my testimony and being content in my walk with God. Is it going to be perfect? No, but is he perfect? No, but is he perfect? Yes. So when I am in my weakness, he is strong. When I'm definitely straying, he still goes out and finds me and I want anyone who may be struggling with that to know that he's still there. And I learned in Exodus 22. Let me pull that up, actually, because it changed my perspective this morning. That was my morning read. It was Exodus 22. So let me go into my Bible. Ah, I lied In Exodus 23,. I'm reading the New King James Version. By the way, in Exodus 23, it talks about the angel and the promises. Obviously, this is Old Testament. This is like the second book in the Bible.

Shea:

I want you to keep in mind when you are losing faith in your journey. I want you to keep in mind when you are losing faith in your journey, or you're asking God to bring you closer, or you're asking God for a relationship and you feel like, oh, he's not answering my prayers, so he's not there, he doesn't exist. He's this, he's that, he's whatever. Before you go cursing God, before you start questioning, before you go questioning, is God really with me? I want to redo this Exodus 23, 20.

Shea:

Behold, I send an angel before you to keep you in the way and to bring you into the place which I have prepared. Every time you ask of something, god has to make a way for it. If it's in His will, he will make a way. And so, in every prayer that you pray, whether it's because you're lost, or whether because you're confused, or whether you're searching for answers or you're just trying to know if God is there with you, it's a promise. It's a promise that he will send an angel before you to keep you in the way and to bring you into the place which he has prepared. He's prepared it already. He knew you were going to ask for it. All you had to do was speak it, because your words hold so much power. It holds power of life and death in your tongue. He knew you were going to say it, even if it was a bad thing. He knew you were going to say it because he knows you. You may not know him fully, but he knows you. He's known you for all of your life, even before your parents knew you. He knew you, he knew you.

Shea:

And so when things get hard and you're praying and you're praying, god, please help me. God, please make a way for this. God, please, please, please. He heard you. He sent the angel down before you. He was making that way for that prayer before you even asked for that prayer. And that's what gives me so much hope now. It's that not only do I have a God who keeps his promises, but he also is someone who cares so much he will send his own angel to be with you as well, with the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is like our angel, at least in my brain.

Shea:

I could be completely wrong Again, take it with a grain of salt but like he sent the helper, which is the Holy Spirit, to be with us every single day of our lives. Therefore, every single person has someone with them every single day of their lives, and that is so comforting to know that, even if you're having a good day or a bad day, you have someone to share it with, have someone to share it with. Like, especially in our type of life, we get so fixated on having somebody, and that was like my second or first episode, to settle or to be alone. Right, everyone is so fixated on either being with someone or so fixated on being alone when, really, truly, even when you're alone're not alone. You have someone who knows you deep to the core, who will accept you for who you are, who will accept your flaws because he sent his only begotten son, jesus christ, down to the earth that you may have salvation. That's John 3.16. Because he loved us. He loved us so much and that type of love I never experienced in my whole life, closer than a brother, closer than a friend.

Shea:

I can't explain the amount of gratitude that I live with every single day. The amount of gratitude that I live with every single day. I was even talking to God this morning and I said to him being joyful is such a choice, being negative and sad is also such a choice. And I never realized how much of a choice it was until I woke up this morning, even though I had a sore neck, even though I was not in the mood to be around other people. I woke up joyful, even though I was in pain. No, I was like oh, I need to crack my neck. Oh, I don't want to go to work. Oh, I don't want this. I turned it around. Instead, I was like you know what? I may not want to do this, but I'm so blessed I get to do this. Oh, I may not want to get out of bed, but I'm so blessed that I have the ability to do it independently. I'm so happy, I'm so joyful that I woke up and I didn't get a text message that anybody died. I know that is a funny and tragic, it's a tragically funny thing to say out loud, but it's so true. I'm so lucky, and you are so lucky, if you woke up this morning and you didn't get a text that someone died, someone that you love died right. So morbid, but it's so true.

Shea:

There's so many little things that I used to take for granted that I'm so grateful for now, like, for example, so minuscule and so stupid, what I'm about to tell you. I had not had internet for the past like three or four days no Wi-Fi, no cable, no entertainment of any kind. What did I do instead? I either went out and spent time with people who love God, or I was reading his word, or I was reading books in general, which I was avoiding because I have a full bookshelf full of books and that was such a blessing that, even though I didn't have internet, even though I didn't have my usual setup, I was still blessed that I could do things setup. I was still blessed that I could do things, that I was so blessed that I could still go outside. I was so blessed that I still had power. I could still shower, you know, do my laundry, whatever. I was happy to just be at peace, that, even if I didn't have something that I functioned with every single day of my life, I was still happy to have the life that I have. You know, and I realized how privileged I am in this life and truly I can't think of another way to explain where my life is right now.

Shea:

A month and a half has really changed my brain chemistry. A lot of childlike wonder has returned and I'm just so grateful, guys. I can't even explain to you how many little altering brain chemistry things have gone on in this past month and a half when it came to work, when it comes to having that vacation off, to being with friends, to being with family, to just being able to take a shower and be able to sleep and all of that being joyful is such a choice and being able to share that joy with others fearlessly, emotionally and vulnerably. It's so nice. And even with other people. I tell them now, even now, on the pod, I'm crying and I'm tearing up and I'm emotional because of the beautiful things that have been revealed to me and the beautiful people that have impacted me. And I don't know how I'm going to impact them. I don't know how I'm going to spread the gospel. I don't know how any of this is going to work, nor am I the type to shove it down people's throats. I just love to remind people that if you want to be, if you want to experience truly from the depth of my heart, I will tell you, from being full, full atheist to not wanting to be in a church, not wanting to be around people, not wanting to be this, that and another thing Don't go based on the world's opinion.

Shea:

Based on the world's opinion, go based on what you have done yourself. Believe what you believe, if you decide to walk in it, with it or on it, and I stand by that. If you believe what I believe, you know that Jesus died for me and died for you and died for every single person in this world. Stand firm on that, stand by that. Don't let your family or your friends or your co-workers or anyone in this world just hate on you because of what you believe in. It's the same in a worldly perspective.

Shea:

Let's take religion out of this for a second, at a worldly perspective of it. Don't let anyone crush you or literally don't let anyone tell you that you can't believe or do something that you are passionate about, that you have walked, that you have experienced. Don't let anybody step on you when you have been the one to walk on it. You have been the one to stand firm on it, whether you've suffered through it, whether you have gone through it yourself or you have just been led to where you are. Don't let anyone say, well, you can't. No, they're all going to sound like that when really just focus on the voice that is guiding you there. Focus on that voice, whether it's from your inner soul or your heart, or whether it's from God himself. Don't let any mere flesh, merely human, who sins just like you and me, tell you that you are not walking in God's plan, that you are not being guided to where you need to be and that you don't have to experience the things that you're currently experiencing, to be an XYZ type of Christian.

Shea:

Everyone has such a different testimony, and I'm so happy and proud to be one, to be in the community that I am, and I will say this definitely for the people who have been hurt by the people of this religion. I want you to know that if you've been hurt by anyone in this religion, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry oh my gosh, I'm crying. I'm so sorry. I'm not even the one that hurt you and I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that us people fail and I'm sorry if someone made you feel like you weren't Christian enough or made you feel like you weren't worth it or you weren't loved, because God loved the church, and I'm sorry if the church didn't love you, because having that be a feeling hurts a lot.

Shea:

You know, and I want you to know, that another way of looking at it is don't look at the religion, don't look at the people. Look at your relationship with Christ, because at the end of the day, that's going to be your soul with him, not with with any of these people who claim they love Christ or use it as a way to hurt people. You know, I don't. I don't want to use Christ as a way to hurt people, because that's not the way I was ever introduced to Christ. And so, oh my gosh, I'm actually full-fledged crying to Christ. And so, oh my gosh, I'm actually full-fledged.

Shea:

Crying like that makes me so sad to think about, you know, but I really do pray from the bottom of my heart that if you're really struggling to take the people out of your relationship with God, I pray that when you're by yourself, I pray that when you're in a quiet space by yourself, when you're in a park or you're in your room or you're in a place away from people, that your relationship is really strong. I pray that he answers your prayer. I pray that he is with you always. Dang, I need to stop crying. Okay, I'm gonna drink some more tea. That's so funny. Okay, we are an hour and five minutes in on my clock. Anyway might be shorter over on your time, but I'm trying to think.

Shea:

Is there anything else I'd like to add into this episode before I walk away? I guess the last thing I'd love to say subconsciously is now one years old, I'm so happy, and I think I'm gonna create a special episode after this. I'm gonna take all of my favorite moments or I'll make a poll of all your favorite moments that you love from subconsciously. I'll just make a really good mashup episode of everything, and I think that would be really fun. But yeah, subconsciously is now one years old. You've been hearing my subconscious thoughts for one year, guys. Oh, my goodness, there's more to come, guys. More special guests, more podcast takeovers. More special guests, more podcast takeovers, more subconscious braining.

Shea:

Yee, if you're looking to find me when I'm not on this podcast, tuck in and yapping your ear off. Where can you find me? I'm not as active on there, but you can definitely find me on Instagram at Scoop Subconsciously S-C-O-O-P-S-U-P-C-O-N-S-C-I-O-U-S-L-Y. Scoop Subconsciously on Instagram, where you can find, like, the behind the scenes of some episodes I haven't posted on there. There's some fun little snippets of my favorite voice clips yeah, some voice clips on there, some cool little promotional things, and you'll obviously find your host. Obviously, you'll find the host Instagram on there. Yeah, you're just going to see a lot more because obviously this pod is very restricted to visual, so you can definitely see me physically on my Instagram.

Shea:

But, yes, that is everything I have to say. I don't even know what this episode is about. Truly, I don't even have a title yet, but I'm sure once it comes out it's going to make so much sense and I'm so grateful that you've stuck by me and you've listened all the way through, and I pray that you've learned something today and I should probably go to bed. So I'm so thankful yet again and I'll see you guys next time where my subconscious thoughts do the talking. Bye, guys, they feel so consciously.