SUBCONSCIOUSLY

YOU HAVE A PLUM IN YOUR BACK

• Shea Gelowitz • Episode 21

Share episode

Send us a text

Is it possible to uncover hidden gems within ourselves, much like the rice balls with hidden plums in "Fruits Basket"? Join me, Shea, as I reflect on the profound impact Jazzi's recent podcast takeover had on reigniting my love for anime and the healing journey of re-watching a beloved series. Through these episodes, I dive into the life lessons and emotional depths that "Fruits Basket" offers, particularly through the lens of characters like Kyo, whose honesty and introspection continue to resonate with me. This journey has reconnected me with my inner child, reminding me of the unseen personal qualities that deserve recognition and appreciation.

This episode isn't just about anime; it's a heartfelt discussion on battling mental health challenges and the search for personal purpose. I open up about the emotional exhaustion and numbness that cloud my perception of self-worth, sharing candid moments of vulnerability. Through a poignant conversation with a friend, I confront the harsh realities of feeling like a robot, questioning my progress, and yearning to rediscover the optimistic person I once was. The inner turmoil of comparing oneself to others becomes a focal point, shining a light on the complexities of self-acceptance and the fear of lacking inherent value.

Community and connection lie at the heart of this podcast, and your feedback is essential in nurturing this space. I invite you to engage through Instagram DMs and share your thoughts, as your support fuels the growth of Subconsciously. Together, we can create a supportive community where authenticity thrives. Stay tuned as my subconscious thoughts continue to lead us on a path of self-discovery and connection, with a promise to remain open and genuine in sharing this journey with you.

Shea:

Hi guys, welcome to Subconsciously. My name is Shea and this is a place where I let my subconscious thoughts do the talking. Hi guys, welcome back to another episode of Subconsciously! It is February. It is currently the third, which means Jazz's podcast takeover came out last week.

Shea:

How good was that podcast takeover. I loved it. Honestly, I would do it again. I would do it over and over and over and over again, do it again, I would do it over and over, and over and over again. And I kind of want in the future to do more podcast takeovers. One to give my subconscious a little bit of time to absorb the perspectives and absorb just the world in general. But it's also very nice to get different perspectives of what's going on in every person's subconscious mind. Yes, it's fun to pick my brain, but it's even more fun when it's a different voice and a different perspective. But, alas, here we are. Welcome back to me, your host of this podcast.

Shea:

The one thing that caught my eye from the last podcast episode actually transcended into what I'm currently obsessed with. So, Jazz was talking about; If you haven't listened to that episode, I highly recommend you listen to that episode. It's so good, dives into many different things. But the one thing that she mentioned in that episode, it actually healed a part of my inner child, which is amazing. So I recently wanted to start getting back into anime. Yes, you heard that correctly. So she was mentioning Fruits Basket. So I'm currently in the middle of re-watching it, after years of not watching it, and I'm falling back in love and realizing why I love that anime so much and I realize half of my personality and half of the life lessons that I've implemented into my life truly come from that show. There may or may not be some spoilers, but if you have not watched it, I recommend that you watch it. It is so good, so good.

Shea:

Anyways, if you didn't hear from that podcast episode, she's a Yuki stan and I'm a Kyo stan and at first I was like no, I get it. I understand the Yuki stan, you know, I get it, I understand it. Has that changed my mind in any type of way? No, no, it has not. I think I realized I'm still a Kyo stan, I love Kyo.

Shea:

But let's just say this man has the lowest EQ of any, any person I've ever met, even though it's a character, you know? But I just want to dive in to why I love this man so much. Okay, how do I even start this? Okay, for one: I don't know why brutally honest people, but the dumb type of honesty really gets me in a character. But what really gets me truly about Kyo's character is the fact that even if he gets ragey, even when he's out of pocket at the most random times, he still internalizes it. He still reflects on it, and we love a man that reflects for one. But for two: the reason why I'm mentioning this is I'm going to dive into this one scene that I just watched, like literally before I started recording, I finished an episode and this analogy really stuck with me. And in order for me to dive into that analogy, I have to tell you this man has the lowest social EQ, lowest emotional intelligence, but the way he's learning, the way he's just going, I don't even know how to describe it to you, I don't.

Shea:

So, for example, within this show, there is a little subplot that Kyo is jealous of Yuki. Yuki is jealous of Kyo for xyz amount of reasons, of what they want in their lives, right? And Tohru is using this analogy to show that they do have admirable qualities. And the analogy was that everyone is a rice ball right? And in the middle of their back, or on the back of the rice ball, there's a plum. Or the world is full of different shapes on the back, or different colors on the back, or different fruits, or different vegetables or different proteins, it doesn't matter, right, everyone has something different on their rice ball. But the thing is that rice ball cannot see it because obviously it's in the middle of your back. How can you see it? Right? Probably everyone else around you can see that amazing shape, color, food in your back, those traits, those qualities that you cannot see.

Shea:

And she was pretty much telling Kyo that all those things that you're wanting, all those things that you're jealous of, all those things that you want in your life, that you admire about Yuki, even though you're so low in your emotional and social intelligence. The way she dumbed it down for him was that he was a rice ball with a plum in his back and he said it was the most stupidest analogy he's ever heard and he got super ragey and he ended up Immediately being like I can see the plum in your back, you know, immediately, kind of turning it back to her. He literally said he's so embarrassed, he's so red and he's just like I can see the plum on your back, meaning he can see the qualities that she doesn't see in herself.

Shea:

And no matter what you're feeling, oh my gosh to have someone say they see you. Oh my gosh, because I remember in my life when there was a person who I admired so much and that I cared for so much and I pretty much loved this person. When they finally say that they see you, that they see what you've done, when they see the hard work and everything that just hits, you know and just, oh, that scene just got me and the whole premise of that scene alone was that how can you be jealous of what another person has, or what another person is going through, or something that they have that you don't have, that you admire but you can't have? Or you know they're doing something that you want to do but you're not in the circumstance to do it, all these little minuscule things that you potentially might be jealous of. Or you might look at yourself and be like I'm so boring, I have nothing going for me. I have nothing, but you look on the back of them and they got a freaking plum on them. You know they got that amazing trait that probably someone else is jealous of. And if that analogy helps you in realizing that you are not boring, you have a different interest in someone else, or you have an amazing talent that no one else has, or you are gifted with an ability that not a lot of people have. Share your gift. You don't have to sit there and be jealous and sometimes it just takes a one-on-one person to let you know "hey, I see you, I see those traits and I think the reason why that analogy so far because I'm still watching has hit me the most and I've cried already. We're not even like half into the season and I've already cried multiple times. But I think the reason why that one hit for me was because we're going to get into the deep things now. Okay, we're just going to lay it all out.

Shea:

I have not been mentally well. I'm trying to see the good in things, I'm trying to understand and I'm trying to not numb myself down. I'm trying to let my feelings be feelings, I'm letting myself be myself. But what I'm truly struggling with at the moment is finding that purpose in myself, finding those good things that I have in me and I don't know why. As you get to understand me through this podcast, you'll understand that I'm a very giving person, or at least the people in my life know I'm a very giving person.

Shea:

If I could let you borrow something for a month, two months, three months, I'll give it to you. If you say you want water, I'll gladly go search for so long to go find it. There are so many things. For example, if you got a show, I'm that person that's down to go, something that's making you anxious. I'm that person that you can talk to and I see you. I see that you're struggling. I see that you're going through something. I see it. I see you doing your best. I see you in everything that you do, even if you don't realize that. I have already observed it and I've seen your patterns and all these things.

Shea:

But it's something that I didn't really realize because my mental well-being has been so low. I realized I can't give as much, because how can you pour from an empty cup? But, on a real note, I felt like I had this big, big gallon jug and I pretty much was poured out. I gave all that I could and I'm left with maybe a couple drops to give to myself. And in the way that I see it, it's not necessarily a bad thing. But I realize I don't really have much left. I don't have much left to offer or at least it feels that way the way I look at this water jug and that I only have a couple drops left. If I could give that to someone right now, I would. If it means that that other person can survive longer, or if it means that they have a better quality of life from it or they have something, I'll have done my job. I will feel like I have purpose.

Shea:

But in recent circumstances within my life, I feel like I don't have much of a purpose to give. And I don't, I don't know how to progress. Noticing other people progressing, you know? I'm trying to not be envious or jealous or feel like why them and not me, why, why? And I feel like, because I'm trying so hard not to do that to myself, I'm suppressing it and because of that I went into this conversation with a friend and I was just telling them that I just don't feel like me. I'm just, I feel sad. I feel like what do I have now? What purpose do I have? Like, yes, I have X, y, z, I am doing a pod. Yeah, I have a job. Yeah, I have all these things, but why do I still feel like that? Why do I feel like I am numbing myself? Why do I feel like a robot? Like every single day is the same? Why do I feel like giving up?

Shea:

You know, it was like such a hard pill to swallow because this person literally said "how are you? You don't? You don't seem like yourself." And honestly, I didn't feel like it either and I didn't know how to go back to it. I didn't know how to be that optimistic person. Or if, because I felt like I didn't have a purpose, that right into the toilet.

Shea:

You know, just everything that I was feeling, everything that I was suppressing, now just comes out when I finally hear something or digest it finally. Whether that's the problem, whether that is a person, whether that's an emotion or a circumstance, or financial or whatever it may be. I found that when other people were in that motion of working towards that goal, because I was numbing it so much and because I wasn't really feeling anything, I would just cry. But that crying would have no purpose to it, no emotion to it, like I don't know if anyone's ever been there where I don't know if it's apathy, I don't know if it's numbness, I don't know. But it could be a mix of apathy and depression, it could be a lot of mixed things, but it just felt like, no matter what I did, no matter what I had to offer, it wasn't good enough. It didn't feel good enough. And due to that feeling, due to that mentality, I have found myself not wanting to be around a lot of people and I've also found myself really straying from the things that I used to love. And so that's why it's a little ironic that in the beginning of this I'm laughing and I'm just so excited about Fruits Basket and I'm healing my inner child and I'm so close. But as that is the surface level, as we get deeper into my subconscious here, internally, I don't feel anything.

Shea:

Honestly, if it wasn't for the fact that I had a pod, I don't think I would even be speaking right now. I think I would just be curled up somewhere, and that's fine with me. And I'm trying not to rob myself of joy. I'm trying not to rob myself of growing and rob myself of experiences. But have you ever felt stuck, genuinely stuck? Like you know you're doing the right things, you're doing what is asked of you, you're doing what is meant for you. You're doing everything. You may be getting a good routine down, you might be going to the gym constantly, you might be eating healthy, you might be surrounding yourself with new people, you might be going to different functions, you might just be the ideal person that society loves. But have you found that society has trapped you a little bit?

Shea:

Because, for me, I feel like that is where I'm at and because I'm slowly backing into that, I don't really have a way out and I'm slowly but surely not digging myself into a grave. But I'm definitely being cornered into a cage, and not one of those cages that are like you know. It's a white wall, it's a prison. No, I'm talking like iron bars. You can see the outside world. It feels so close to you. You can stick your arm out, but you can't reach it because obviously you've got short, stubby arms. If you're me. and

Shea:

And that's how I'm feeling right now now, I feel like I've been caged and I've just kept going backwards into societal norms and all these things where I feel like they've shut the gate on me. I feel like I'm sticking my arm out just begging for a drop of water. I am in this place that I feel like there's no escape . it's so scary because I look at myself and I'm not that person. I'm not that person to feel like this is it, you know? But it, as of recently, it has really been gnawing at me. And because it's been gnawing at me so hard and I haven't been in the best place to explain that to anyone I feel like because I'm doing it to myself and because I feel so backed up in the cage, I feel like that other person doesn't see those qualities in me. They don't see that plum on my back. If I could pick that plum on my back and give it to that person, I have already done it.

Shea:

And it's so hard because I know, I know so much that that is not what I want to be. I know I don't want to be. I don't want to be a label. I don't want to be labeled as oh, you have depression, oh, you have anxiety, oh, you are spiritually drained, you are worthless, you are ordinary. Oh my gosh, I had that in my head. My biggest fear is that someone's just going to say I'm ordinary, that there's nothing special about me, that my little quirks aren't fun to be around. I feel like a bubble of sadness and that is a horrible feeling. And because of that bubble of sadness I feel like the label's coming and it's so scary because I'm trying to just let it be what it is. But it's hard to let it be what it is when you're in the thick of it. And I'm really, really trying to see this bright light and see the end of this tunnel that I've been digging and digging to get through and just see what blessing is on the way.

Shea:

But I just, if I'm very honest, as of recently, being very, completely, completely vulnerable, I haven't seen it in a while and I was telling, I was telling Jazz, actually I don't like being the sad friend. It makes me feel awful. It makes me feel awful in a room full of happy people to be the sad, depressing bubble in the corner and not know what to do with that, because everyone wants to see you, everyone wants to be around you, everyone thinks you're okay. But, being completely vulnerable and completely honest, I don't feel that way and I'm not. I'm truly not trying to put myself in a bubble. I'm just being so completely real that it's okay not to be okay and that being the sad friend doesn't necessarily mean that you are a burden or that you are a problem, because that's how I've been feeling and trying to process that and I promise when I figure it out, don't worry, there'll be an episode on it.

Shea:

But I haven't figured it out yet because I'm 22 and I'm only two years old in adult years and I literally had that thought on the street as I'm trying to process my emotions. But I'm doing my job, I'm doing everything and I realized I'm just a kid. That I'm so young, you know? And just having, going back to the "I see you, having a person say "I see you." I think, when I'm struggling, having a person say that they see you. For me I am. I don't want to cry. Having a person say that they see you, not just they see you because you are down. Let's just say someone said that to me.

Shea:

Having someone come to that realization that their friend or their partner or their sibling or their co-worker or whoever it may be, having that person say that they see your goodness, that they see your faithfulness and your loyalty, and that they see how hard you're trying and they see you, despite what you're feeling, despite what you're going through. They see you as a whole and if they're choosing to see your goodness, they're choosing to see your goodness. It makes me cry because again, going back to like grief episode and my therapist back then telling me it's all about the little victories, having someone cheer you on in noticing your victories, having someone notice that even in the worst of circumstances, that you're still trying, that you're showing up for them, even through that hardship, something just clicks in my brain because then it's like all those times that I help someone they recognize that in me? They see that in me? Damn, I'm being so vulnerable right now. They can see the plum in my back that I can't see. That quality that I'm bullying myself for? Maybe they see my purpose, that I don't. Having someone take notice that you have just as many good qualities as they do just gets to me on a very personal level because, it also means that all that hard work, all the water you gave out from your gallon jug didn't go to waste.

Shea:

And I think for me, it's a little bit harder because I'm not the type of person to ask for it. I don't ask people to see me. I don't ask them to give me anything because, honestly, if they want to spend time with me, that's enough, you know? But it's funny, even if I miss somebody, even if I want to see someone, it's hard for me to do that, it's hard for me to reach out and hard for me to say I miss them. It's hard for me to get over myself and I don't know if it's because I have that fear that I'm going to have no water again or whether I'm scared they're going to say I see you, but not for the good things. And I feel like I've been excommunicating myself from a lot of people who genuinely don't deserve it. But also I don't feel close. I feel very on the outside, looking in, and I'm just trying to get through it.

Shea:

Damn, let's turn this pod around. Oh, my gosh, anyways, yeah, Fruits Basket. These are just one of the many analogies that have been placed in me and I'm trying, I'm trying really hard to not be jealous, to be content, to push myself to not feel so numb, and I don't know how to change it. If I'm honest, I don't know if this is the best episode to watch, if you're feeling this already. But another thing is having someone say to you, you"I I think what you're feeling is you're just lacking purpose. Oh man, having someone say to you"you're you're just lacking .", whether that be in a harsh way b ut But when someone says that, when they see what you're going through and they say,"I I think what you're feeling is that you're lacking purpose.", that hits dude, that hurts so hard to have someone that you love tell you and read you like a book and say"I I think what you're feeling is that you're lacking purpose, freaking, hit, hit me. And the worst part is, if they are right, if they're reading your book correctly, and they see that and they say that to you, how do you change it?

Shea:

This isn't, by the way, this podcast episode is not a give advice episode. This is definitely a it's in my brain. I need to let it out. Welcome to Subconsciously. But I'm genuinely asking someone now who's gone through it or who's felt it, how do you find it? How do you find something that you apparently, or so-called, lack? How do you get passionate again? How do you fall in love again? How do you find purpose? And I know everyone has a different method of finding purpose, and I think the one thing that's draining me about where I'm at right now is that I don't quite know what my purpose is, or why my purpose is to give so much to others but not wanting to give it to myself.

Shea:

I don't know why I can't be selfish. I don't know why I can't be my own cheerleader. I don't know why I'm waiting for someone to say "I see you in order for me to feel good about it. I don't know why. I don't know what I'm waiting for either, but I guess what I'm trying to get at is I haven't found that plum in my back yet. I haven't looked, I haven't reversed myself and looked in a mirror and said, "oh, there it is.

Shea:

I think I'm just scared that I may not find it and I know I'm only 22 and you're gonna be like girl you're so young. Girl, it's It's too early to know and talk about purposes and all these things, but I'm just someone who wants to figure it out. I don't like waiting for something like that to be found, because I'm finding, with people that I'm surrounded with or I'm cheering on, they have their purposes already. They are being a light to so many people and sharing their purpose with others. And I don't feel it, I don't see it and I'm trying so hard to keep my faith. I'm trying so hard to keep my trust, but right now, in this stage of my life, and hopefully by next episode, it will be completely changed and that I'll be able to "Guys Guys, I had this revolutionary conversation and it was this easy. But in this current moment of emotion, I don't feel that and I really want to. I want to see what everyone else sees. I want to be passionate the way other people are passionate. I want to get it and I know I will, and I need to just have faith that it will work out.

Shea:

But lately I've just been with me, and that shouldn't be such a sad statement either, that I've only been with me, because being with me is not a sad thing, and it shouldn't be, and I shouldn't be sad. But also telling myself that I shouldn't be sad is also a way in form of abuse to myself. I don't know where it came from and maybe I should get a therapist. Oh, that reminds me. I think I am going to therapy very soon and I think I need it. I think I need a new perspective that will help give me purpose, because right now it's not really working.

Shea:

But, alas, we're coming towards the end of this episode and I just want to say you may think you're plain, you might think you are the plainest person out there. You might feel like you have nothing to offer, that you are so lonely, that you are so sad, but trust me, you have a plum in your back. I have a plum in my back. Everyone you love has a plum in their back. So tell them more. Tell them that you see them more. I promise it's a little bit of a weird conversation at first, but it gets you thinking that maybe they need to hear it. Maybe they need to know that they're appreciated. Maybe they need to understand that, that if they are going through a tough position, that they're not going through it for nothing, and I pray that whatever is stopping you from believing that that other person genuinely sees you, you will feel it. You'll feel the intent.

Shea:

It's one thing to have it be meaningless, but if you're not consistently going out of your way to tell the people who have changed your life or have made an impact on your life that you love them, that you care for them, that you see them for them, despite the good or the bad things that they've done. I'm telling you it makes such a big difference in the way that they view life because they don't feel alone. They feel like they are seen. And something I've noticed about the world too is that everyone wants to be seen at least once. Whether that be by a lot of people, whether that be one person, whether that be by their God or anything. They want to feel seen, deeply seen, and I know I feel that. I felt it. I feel it.

Shea:

I want to continue feeling that I know, deep down, everyone wants someone to be passionate with and not feel so burdensome. But if you are feeling burdensome, I'm really sorry because that feeling sucks. It's such a heavy feeling. But if you are feeling burdensome, if you're feeling something deep within you; One, I really advise that you go seek professional help and not listen to a podcast. But two, if you are not ready to take that step to get professional help yet, please seek someone that you care about and tell them.

Shea:

Or, if it's too hard, play this podcast episode to them and say that that is how I'm feeling. This exact feeling is how I'm feeling, because that's what I want this pod to be about. I want each episode to be like. If it's hard for you to say it, play an episode or play a snippet of an episode and be like that exact description, that exact way that she or he or whoever comes on this podcast is describing it. That's how I'm feeling. Use this as your tool guide. That's what I want.

Shea:

If it's hard for you to be vulnerable and it's hard for you to be like, this is exactly what I'm going through, just play it. Play that episode or play that thing that someone has said and be like, huh, how do you feel about that? And then slowly ease into it. Don't just drop the bomb. You don't have to drop the bomb. You know this is a hard thing to dive into, but anyways, to wrap this up, I thank you for listening.

Shea:

I truly, truly pray from the bottom of my heart that, whatever you're going through, I pray that you reach out. Don't keep it to yourself. I pray that you have at least one person you can be vulnerable with and if you don't, you can reach me on scoop subconsciously, s-c-o-o-p-s-u-b-c-o-n-s-c-i-o-u-s-l-y On Instagram. I mean it when I say my DMs are always open, that if you have gone through something, if you just want to talk, if you want someone that is outside opinion or just a place where you can just drop your honesty, the DMs are always open and I'm always willing and ready to listen to whatever you're going through.

Shea:

And this was such a deeply personal episode for me and I want you to know that I don't just do this because I want sympathy. I do this because being completely honest and completely vulnerable is a hard thing to do in this world and if I get judged for it. So be it. But I am not a perfect person to judge others for what they're going through or how they're feeling. All I can do is continue lifting up even if I don't feel it.

Shea:

But I thank you guys so much for listening. I thank you guys so much for giving this podcast a chance. I thank you guys so much from the bottom of my heart that, whatever you're going through, wherever you are, whatever time it is, I pray that you're having an amazing day. I pray that you receive a blessing in an unexpected way. I truly pray from the bottom of my heart that you find that purpose. I truly pray from the bottom of my heart that you genuinely start to love where you are, start to love yourself and find that purpose within yourself and give it back to yourself too. Oh my goodness, guys, thank you again so much for listening.

Shea:

If you don't mind giving this podcast five stars or a rating in general on all of your podcast platforms, I would highly appreciate it. It helps me grow within the show. It also helps me know that you want me to keep going, keep being vulnerable, keep being myself, keep growing. You can help us all grow together within one community, within this world. It really helps, and please DM the Instagram. One if you have something to say, but two if you have any suggestions of what you want the upcoming episodes to be. I appreciate you. I see you and I see your plum on your back and I will see you guys on the next episode, where my subconscious thoughts do the talking. Bye, guys.