Grief Isn’t Linear: What Loss Really Does to You

In this heartfelt episode, Shea explores the complex and deeply personal topic of grieving the loss of a loved one. She dives into the science and psychology behind grief, explaining what it is, where the concept originated, and breaking down the widely known five stages of grief. Through her research, Shea offers insight into the different ways people process loss, from denial to acceptance, and discusses how grief manifests in unique and individual ways.

Shea also opens up about her own experience with loss, reflecting on the first time she faced the heartache of losing someone close to her. She shares her personal journey through grief, the challenges she faced, and the lessons she learned along the way. This episode is a compassionate and informative look at the grieving process, offering comfort and support for anyone navigating their own experience of loss.

Transcript

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INTRODUCTION

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hi guys, welcome to another episode of Subconsciously. My name is Shay, and this is the place where I let my subconscious thoughts

THEME SONG

SPEAKER_01 0:09

do the talking. Sometimes I forget to start speaking because I'm listening to the intro song and it just sounds so mesmerizing. Anyways, besides the point, hi guys, welcome back to another episode of Subconsciously. My name is Shay,

TOPIC REVEAL

SPEAKER_01 0:40

and I just want to dive right into our topic today because it is going to be a long one. It is about grief, and I've kind of been wanting to do this episode for so long. It's been the forefront of why I wanted to even get into sharing my story and getting into the podcast world and just sharing experiences. Everyone has a different experience with grief. And so today,

BREAKDOWN OF THE EPISODE

SPEAKER_01 1:12

this episode is going to be talking about the grief of a loved one. I will go into what is grief, the things that people grieve. So when I choose to maybe do an episode in the future, we can do it on another type of grief or a more in-depth version of the different types of grief, not just the things that you grieve. I'm also going to go over the five stages of grief today, and you know what each stage looks like, as well as my experience with the stages of grief and how my life looks like now after I've experienced the grief of a loved one. As you cannot

SHEA DID HER RESEARCH

SPEAKER_01 2:00

see me right now, um, I actually have a book dedicated to research for different episodes that I'm going to be making. And so if you hear any flipping of pages or me putting down my book, don't be alarmed. I just want to make sure I'm getting the most accurate information to share with you guys before, you know, I put it away and we it's just you and I. But just a disclaimer. So let's get into it.

WHAT IS GRIEF?

SPEAKER_01 2:32

Grief is a response to a loss of something or someone who is important. And the things that people tend to grieve are the loss of a loved one, marriage or friendships coming to an end, a loss of a job or a career path, um, loss of financial stability or loss of money in general, the loss or coming to terms with the end of a dream or not getting to a certain goal, loss of health, um, loss of their youth, or even fertility issues. These are just some main examples of different types of grief people go through every single day.

KÜBLER-ROSS THEORY / 5 STAGES OF GRIEF

SPEAKER_01 3:29

There is this very famous cycle, or as psychologists and psychiatrists like to look at, called the Kubleroth uh grief theory. And it's also better known as The Five Stages of Grief. And so I want to give you a little bit of backstory on where the five stages of grief come from. And it actually comes from this book called On Death and Dying, and it's a book made by a Swiss American psychiatrist and a woman who actually started the studies of dying people in 1969, and her name is Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, and she made the five stages of grief because she did a study on people who were dying, and she wanted to see how human beings process death and process grief, and she noticed these five stages that mainly pop up when you are dealing with grief, and it's not to say these five stages are the rules of grief. Not every single person experiences the five stages of grief, but these are the five main cycles that you may go through. Here are the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

STAGE 1: DENIAL

SPEAKER_01 5:10

The stage of denial. In this stage, the person may have difficulty accepting the loss or even accepting that whatever happened to them, whoever they lost, whatever they lost is real. They may just be like, ah nah, that person's just off on vacation, or no, I have a job to go back to. Any of those types of responses you may get from someone who is denying the grief, denying what they have lost,

STAGE 2: ANGER

SPEAKER_01 5:58

anger. In the stage of anger, the person just maybe angry in general, might just be so frustrated and direct it at anyone, anything, or they just might be angry in general. They might blame God, they might blame the religious aspects of life, they might just throw things, they might verbally be angry. These are all things to be expected in this stage

STAGE 3: BARGAINING

SPEAKER_01 6:31

of grief. Bargaining. In this stage of grief, we start to make deals with ourselves, with other people, or even deals in religious aspects. And we might believe that in the stage of grief, that if we act differently or if we say we're gonna be different, then we'll feel better. But we're still not entirely processing what has happened to us. We make these deals with ourselves because we feel like we have no other option. Whatever damage has been done, whatever we have lost, we are trying to kind of replace that in a way of moving forward. But sometimes when we make deals in the bargaining stage, we're not fully even aware of the deal that we're making. Some people might even try to take advantage of us because we're grieving. They might have their own gain of using you. And these things happen. It might be something that we agree to when we're not in the right mindset, or it might be deals that we make for ourselves. And not necessarily are the decisions we make in bargaining good decisions. Most people think that in the bargaining stage, it's healthy, positive bargaining. But sometimes in this stage, we make deals with ourselves of like, oh, we're not gonna act this certain way, or we are gonna act more negatively and more irrational because that person's gone, they're not there to stop us, or maybe we'll have this spiritual awakening. We might find more of ourselves in this stage, and it's a very controversial stage because everyone can take this stage if they experience it and bargain in different ways. Every person is different.

STAGE 4: DEPRESSION

SPEAKER_01 8:28

Depression. So this is the most common when the grief hits you. Most people experience depression. Maybe they're crying, maybe they're shutting down, maybe they're not being as open as they once were. And during the stage of depression, most people feel very intense isolation, withdrawing from activities in their daily life, experiencing intense sadness they've never felt before, feelings of overwhelming suicidal thoughts or self-harming or isolating from the things that they once loved. And it's that feeling like you can't get out of bed, that intense feeling that nothing matters.

STAGE 5: ACCEPTANCE

SPEAKER_01 9:22

And the last stage: acceptance. Acceptance is a stage where the person is finally able to accept the new reality that they are put in, and they can accept what happened, and they can slowly start to understand how they feel, and understand that it's time to move forward. Not just without, if we're putting it in terms of a person, it's moving forward with the memories and the lessons you've taken from that person, or in terms of an object, taking the lessons, taking the memories and the things you've learned from that thing, or from that opportunity, and using it for the next opportunity, or using it for the next person that comes along and who you decide to let in your heart. It's accepting that yes, this situation happened, but it's time to move on.

SUBCONSCIOUS THOUGHTS ON GRIEF

SPEAKER_01 10:26

Grief is such a deep topic, and I think now I'm just gonna go on a ramble. Now that I've kind of told you the five stages, I've told you what most people grieve about. But for me, it was so different because all my life I didn't grow up grieving people, I didn't lose a lot of people in my life. I actually don't have a lot of family that I was surrounded with when I was younger. My mom's side of the family is all in the Philippines, or my dad's side of the family I only see like once or twice a year. And so when it comes to grief, I've always been the one helping others through it. I've always been the person who was there. So when it happened to me, I didn't really know how to deal with it. I've never felt the deep sadness, the denial, the anger, all of it, even bargaining. I think I actually went through every single stage of grief. And it's not to say I won't go through it again. Because the beautiful part of grief is even if it hurts, I'd rather grieve over someone I chose to love than not feel at all. And that's what I hear from a lot of people after someone they love has been taken from them or an opportunity got swiped from underneath them, is that they feel like they shouldn't try as hard for the next person because they don't want to get hurt, they don't want to get attached. But for me, I've always been the opposite. I think that grief is so beautiful. Grief is so beautiful because it shows that you have so much compassion in your heart to love over and over again, and to grieve is such a beautiful thing because it showed that you learned so much and you loved so much, and you showed so much compassion for another person who impacted you. There's no shame in the way that you grieve, whether you need the time to yourself, whether you're you need the distractions, every person is different. For

INTRODUCTION ON SHEA'S STORY

SPEAKER_01 12:50

me, the story I'm about to tell you is one of the only times I've ever grieved in my whole life. It was 2022, and for friends listening, they already know this story. But for those who don't know, this death really changed my life. So

SHEA'S GRIEF STORY

SPEAKER_01 13:08

in 2022, actually, back it up. 2021, I was a primary caretaker of my uncle. He went to the hospital, he was declared that he was gonna die. He made a full 180 recovery, and I pretty much nursed him back to health from him not being able to really walk properly, not being able to take care of himself to getting him back working a lot more sane, taking on the mental burdens that he felt during that time, and be pretty much being trusted with his life. And I didn't really understand. It didn't feel like a chore, it felt like it was something I was meant to do. So fast forward, now it's 2022, he's back to full recovery, barely needs my help. We had our little rituals of going grocery shopping on a Saturday. We have our rituals that I help him load things into um his truck because he was a truck driver, and I'd still help with the minor stuff, but it was April, and I hadn't heard from him for a while. As usually he's only gone for the week, and then he'll come back, right? I hadn't heard from him for a while. Last phone call I had with him, it was just him leaving for his trip and him telling me that he loved me, and me telling him to be safe. And that was the phone call. And so I hadn't heard from him for a while, and then I get a random number on my phone. It was like eight o'clock at night, and I don't answer because it's a random number. I don't answer random numbers, and then randomly after I get a phone call, and it's from my old man. That's what I called him. He was my old man because he was using a cane and he had a grumpy attitude like one. But anyways, yeah, so it pops up old man on my phone, and I'm so excited because I just want to hear his voice. I want to hear what he's up to. Because mind you, we had not been separated for long trips, not even weekly trips yet. I think it was like his second weekly trip, so I I was still, you know, worried. But I pick up the phone, I'm so excited, I sound like this. Oh my gosh! I was just thinking about you. I'm so glad you called. No old man. Woman's voice. Hi, are you Shay? And I had the worst feeling in the world. So I was like, why is there a woman on the end of this bone line? And I say, yeah, I am her. And she says, um, your old man has been in a critical truck driving accident. And the truck rolled into the ditch, and we were just wondering if he was on any blood dinners. And I'm thinking about all the medication he's been taking, any vitamins, anything, and I just couldn't think of anything. And I was like, I don't know. I really don't know. And then after that, my brain is just kind of blank because I've I'm just sitting there, like, what is happening right now? This feels like the worst kind of dream ever. And then she goes on to explain that he's not really responsive, but from the scans that they've done, he's had a traumatic brain injury. And in the way that it happened, if he's on any blood thinners or anything like that, they can't operate because they lose him right away. So immediately in my head, because I I went to school for mental health, right? And he always said to me, if he ended up in the hospital again, God forbid, if he ended up in the hospital again, and he was a burden to anyone, he wants you to pull the plug. And I just felt like it was it was so hard. Because from what I learned about traumatic brain injury, is you either slowly get into the routine of, you know, living again, or you can become, as as most inconsiderate people say, you can become a big burden. And in the way it was looking, if he was to get out of the hospital around that time, he wouldn't have been able to walk, he wouldn't have been able to talk, and he'd have to be cared for for the rest of his life. And immediately in my head, I know this is it. There's no coming back from this. Because I know that if he wakes up and he's coherent in any type of way, he's gonna say to pull the book. Because he doesn't want to burden anyone with his life. And he was 60, 61. So he lived a long life. So he's in another province, he's in Saskatchewan, and I'm in BC, right? I don't go to Saskatchewan to say goodbye. So what really messes me up about this part, right? What messes me up about this part is I tell my dad, he tells my old man's kids, his kids go out to Saskatchewan, fly to him, make sure everything's alright. But me and my dad were anticipating this for a while, and um it was tragic because I at this point need to be distracted by anything and everything. So all I can think about is how much I miss him, how much I miss how my life was before I got that phone call. And then one day I'm coming home, it's 10 o'clock at night. I'm with my one of my friends at the time, and she's supposed to be staying the night. And then I come home, I come up the stairs, and there's my dad sitting there. I can just feel in his energy, something's wrong. And he looks at me and he said, Shay, it happened. And I'm like, what? He's like, 6 45 p.m. He passed away. And I'm like, oh, okay. I don't know where to look, I don't know what to say. My friend is now giving her condolences to um my dad. And I just remember going right to my room and bawling my eyes out. The hardest I've ever cried in my life, and I've had a lot of bad situations happen to me, but I think that one was through the one that topped the cake for me. The one that instantly made me go into a full depression that I've never felt that type of pain before, and then I didn't really feel anything. I was in a deep depression for a while, a lot of isolation, a lot of people trying to bring me out of my shell, but I was going through a lot of a lot of stuff during this time, and those that that story's for a future episode, but I'm gonna focus on the grief for this one. I definitely withdraw from a lot of things. I stopped making music, I just stopped caring. The numbness really kicked in for me. The not getting out of bed. Oh, I wouldn't even this is how depressed I got. I wouldn't get out of bed, I would refuse to shower. Everything I did, it didn't matter how many small victories I had. It didn't feel like enough. It was like, I'm alive, and he's not. A person who I love so much is not even here anymore. So what matters? Surely, what's the point? So I definitely started with that, and then I went to denial, and my brain just kept thinking, nah, he's still around. This is just a practical joke. He is probably still truck driving around. He's hired some person to prank call me, and this is just this is all a joke. This is just some sick joke. And then I got angry. I was so angry at the world. It wasn't the world's fault because no one hit him. He had a stroke at the wheel, and it just happened. It's no one's fault. He was attacked by his own body. And that's the thing. I couldn't put blame on anything. What am I supposed to do? Blame something that happens in a person's body? How am I supposed to control that? But I was just angry. I was so. At this point, I was an atheist. I was spiritual, but in a witchy spiritual, it was not good. It's not a good spiritual. But I was so angry. If there was a God at the in this point in my life when I didn't believe in God, if there was a God, I was very upset with him. I was very angry. I was just cursing God. I was like, how could you do that? How could you take someone I loved away? How could you take somebody who I still had so much to learn from? So much love to pour into. How could you do that? Why? And during the anger and the depression, I also had suicidal tendencies. I had it in the past, just for mental health issues alone, but I it kicked up to a different level. I had extreme suicidal tendencies where I just wanted to die. And so for the first time in a really long time, this is where it gets to bargaining. I sat in my car listening to the music I made while I was grieving, voice memos, any videos or photos I could find. I was just crying in my car. And it's the first time I bargained, and I said, if there's a God there, please give up on me. Please make it painless. Please make my death painless. Please make my family, my friends, not feel anything when I go. Please, this let me go in my sleep. Make it a natural cause. I don't, I don't know, but I don't want to be here. And so I remember just telling God that and it was the first time I ever addressed God like that. Just begging, bleeding. So I went to bed and I woke up. And I was like, I guess he has other plans. So I made a deal with myself. I would try to go to church or find another outlet in the spiritual realm. Because I already wanted to expand, right? And I made a deal with myself that if I can't find any healing in God, I was done. There was no coming back from that. And so I made that deal. And I tried to believe it because I wanted to be better. Even if internally I didn't feel that way. I wanted to feel better. I wanted to try something. And so I went. I went to my friend's church, and my life changed. It was the first time I could cry in public, but in a good way, in a healing type of way. And of course, I didn't accept it right away. Of course, I had a lot of work to do. I needed to build myself

AFTERMATH OF SHEA'S GRIEF STORY

SPEAKER_01 25:10

up again. But it's almost been two years now, and I can almost say the whole thing without crying. But I think in the middle of 2023, I kind of gained a little bit more acceptance. Acceptance that he's not here. Acceptance that he made my life better. But even though he's gone, the memory still lives. Even to this day, I see the way the memory of my old man lives. I see him in every single aspect of my life. I see him when I walk down the street. I see him in my house. I see him in my mind. I feel his presence around me. Even though he's not here, I still feel him. I see the way my life has changed because of him, and I know how to live now. Because I don't just live for myself, I live for him. I live on to tell his stories, the things that he's told me, the things that he's gone through. I can use what I've learned from this experience of grieving him and share that with people and tell them. And I'm telling you right now, I'm proud of you. Whatever hurt you've gone through, whatever loss you've gone through, I feel you. I understand you. And I want to say I'm so proud of you. Because I also went to therapy, and the one thing that my therapist told me

SMALL VICTORIES

SPEAKER_01 26:41

is it's a it's all about the little victories in your life. The fact that you got out of bed this morning is a victory. She says something as silly as literally taking a poop in your toilet is a victory. Being who you are is a victory. Living is a victory, even if it doesn't feel that way. I'm sorry, I'm getting like really emotional because these are the things I wish someone told me when I was going through grief. That they were proud of me, that you are loved, that no matter what you believe in, you are human and you deserve to be loved in every circumstance. Just as you have loved that person you lost, you deserve that love. And whatever love you wanted to pour into that person, please give it back to yourself. And don't tell yourself you're not enough. Don't tell yourself that whatever you're doing now doesn't matter. Because if that person was still around, that person who loved you was still around, they'd tell you they were proud of you, they'd tell you that they loved you and that they want you to succeed in any aspect of life that you want to achieve. I'm sorry, I'm full on crying now because like these are my deep thoughts, these are literally things that I wish I told myself, and things that I learned the hard way, and I see myself in him as I saw him in

LIVING NOW

SPEAKER_01 28:15

me, and it also doesn't help because I also live where he used to live, so I've kind of spersen up the place and I kind of made it more me, but there is still a lot of things in here that not only belong to him, but also are dedicated to him. Like I have his old bookshelf filled with all of his like sci-fi novels and things that he loved to read, even like little artifacts, like they're all on this bookshelf. This has not been touched since he died, and that's me keeping him alive. That's a piece of him that will never die. Have I added a little bit of Nick Knacks on it? Absolutely, but he's still there, he's still in my heart, he is still in my mind, and I will say, grief doesn't just go away on its own, it's not linear, right? It's a process. You don't experience everything at once. You don't. It's just the fact of life. Like, even to this day, I still get like I'll be spacing out, and then suddenly he's in my mind. I'll be thinking of things that we did together. I'll be thinking of when I hear certain music, I think of that was the first time he showed me that. Oh, that was the first time we went somewhere. Like, you'll never realize the certain triggers in a person who's grieving's life. And I want to tell you that whatever you experience, you're not alone in that. And I want to open the conversation to

I STILL GRIEVE

SPEAKER_01 29:50

that. But to tell you the truth, I still grieve. Even when I'm smiling, I still grieve. Even when I'm crying, I grieve. Even when I'm angry, I grieve. Even when I'm doing things that aren't even related to him. In my heart, there's still a part that grieves, and there's still a part that is healing. And just know you're allowed to feel that. You're allowed to feel however you want to feel. There's no one out there who should ever tell you when it's time to stop grieving a person. There are people who want to push you to be better, but they should never stop you from loving that person who is no longer with

SENSE OF PEACE

SPEAKER_01 30:34

you. Remember, they are with you in spirit. And if you are religious, you will feel this sense of peace by knowing that your person is safe within your savior's hands. For me, it's in Jesus. In others, whatever you believe in, whether it's Buddhism and they're being reincarnated, they're somewhere in this world right now. If that is what gives you a sense of peace, let that be your sense of peace. But don't let another person dictate when it's time to move on. Because when you finally accept it, when you come into that acceptance of moving on, it will feel so beautiful. It will feel like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders. And I'm telling you right now, moving on from the grief, now that it's been two years, I still feel it. But it's not necessarily something that triggers me every single day. There'll be worse days than others. But I can say now I'm completely at peace with the fact that he's no longer hurting, that he is in a better place, and I can say with a smile on my face that I loved him with every part of my heart I loved him. And no one can take away that experience I had with him. There is no one in this world who can take what I've gone through away from

OUTRO

SPEAKER_01 32:14

me. And yes, this was a deeper episode. It's definitely one of the longer episodes I've ever made. But that's it, guys. And I really hope you enjoyed this episode. I really hope that whatever you heard today you take with you, and it is a new subconscious thought to put in your brain. But thank you for listening to Subconsciously. I do have an

WHERE YOU CAN FIND ME

SPEAKER_01 32:39

Instagram called Scoop Subconsciously S-C O O P S U B C O N S C I O U S L Y. On Instagram, where you can DM me your subconscious thoughts about each episode. You'll also get some behind the scenes for this episode. And I'd love to just start a conversation there. I've always loved understanding other people's experiences and just sharing human connection. So I can't wait to hear from you guys of what your thoughts are and what you've gone through. But

THANK YOU!

SPEAKER_01 33:19

that's it. So thank you guys for listening and choosing subconsciously today, and I'll catch you guys on the next episode of Subconsciously, where my subconscious thoughts do the talking. Bye guys.