Being The Thicker Friend
Shea: [00:00:00] Hi guys, welcome to Subconsciously. My name is Shea and this is the place where I let my subconscious thoughts do the talking.
Shea: Think. Feel. Subconsciously.
Shea: Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of Subconsciously. My name is Shea and let's just dive into today's episode and topic. Today is a very passionate episode that I have for you. It is about being the thicker friend, growing up being the thicker friend, and how I just moved through daily life being the thicker friend.
Shea: Let me say a lot of my friends growing up have been on the skinnier side and I'm not shaming that. Bodies are bodies and they're just meant to hold your soul. But let me say [00:01:00] growing up it was so hard being the thicker friend. Not only, you know, you're struggling with your body image, but the way that society is telling you to run with your body image, but when you have underlying health conditions as well, it can really mess with the self image that you have.
Shea: And for me, growing up, I grew up in a Ukrainian Filipino household. So, My dad's side is Ukrainian and they're a little bit of thicker skinned people. They've always just had the metabolism where you're more likely to be a little bit thicker. Where the Filipino genes, they've always been very small and tiny and it's a different type of metabolism.
Shea: Now, for me, not only do I have that to compete with. the mid grade of metabolism. But then I [00:02:00] find out at 14 years old that I have something called PCOS. I have polycystic ovary syndrome. I'm just gonna start by saying I need to do my research. I'm gonna do a whole episode on PCOS and dedicating all my research so I can help understand myself and help other people.
Shea: By all means, I am not a nutritionalist either. I just try to do my best, but that's gonna be another episode. But back to the topic at hand, I have PCOS, which makes it very, very hard to lose weight. It's very easy to gain weight. It's very easy to retain weight. And so I've always struggled with weight.
Shea: And the problem I have with being the thicker friend is that I am naturally very self deprecating in a humorous way, a dark humorous way. [00:03:00] I would make fat jokes about myself. I would always find a way to make a jab at myself if someone was calling themselves fat, and I would just be very self deprecating.
Shea: And I realized how much damage that did to my mental health as well, because as I was raising someone up, I was also putting myself down and I can confidently say I don't really do that anymore because I realized through therapy that it's not something I should be doing. It's not a healthy coping mechanism at all.
Shea: But I will say, it hurts, because you watch your friend, who might be an average weight, who can fit into majority of clothes, and not, you know, struggle to find clothes that fit. May not be their style, but they fit. Where, growing [00:04:00] up, I wouldn't be able to shop in normal stores. I would have to find very specialty stores or I would have to shop online to get the size that I needed.
Shea: And it was such a struggle in my generation of growing up because being the plump friend, you're always somewhat envious. You're always somewhat jealous of what another person has, right? And I think for me, I struggled with finding confidence in the fact that I was plump and I didn't look like everyone else.
Shea: But when you're younger, you want to look like everyone else. You want to be able to fit in. You don't want to be bullied because of your weight. You don't want to be the thing that sticks out. And it's the hardest thing I think for me about being the thicker friend or was. My biggest concern about being [00:05:00] the thicker friend was when it came down to it.
Shea: I never looked like my friends. I honestly, I felt like the best thing about me was my personality. I didn't think that I was physically attractive at all because I also grew up with a lot of, not only my self deprecation, but I grew up in a household where being plump or being overweight wasn't okay.
Shea: And it was definitely shamed or, Oh, you're looking chubbier now. Oh, you look skinnier now. You look, Oh, you've gained a little bit more weight now. Like with PCOS, you also fluctuate like crazy when you're, when you're trying to lose weight, when you're gaining weight, and when your gut health isn't healed.
Shea: Like there's so many things that go into it. [00:06:00] And it's so frustrating. And obviously, growing up, not having another role model who was thicker, I had to deal with it on my own. And I guess that's why I also craved so much validation and so much love for my body from other people. And it was so difficult because you're in a mindset where it's like, well, okay, well, I'm gonna die alone because I'm not physically attractive.
Shea: I have nothing to offer because no guy could ever love someone who is thicker. And that was my mindset. And it was so disheartening. And I think being the thicker person in a friend group really messes with your brain. Because when someone is interested in you, you're, you're fully in it. You're like, Oh my gosh, this person loves me for my body, for, for my mind, for everything.[00:07:00]
Shea: But I also had a lot of bad experiences because of my, my mental journey with it. So when I tell you the best things you can do for yourself, I mean this in the most sincere way possible. And I'm not going to tell you to lose weight. I'm not going to tell you to do whatever because it is your body. And the one thing that is the most important thing is that your body is a vessel for your soul.
Shea: And what I can suggest is if your soul is happy, if you are happy in your skin, if you are happy in who you are, naturally people will gravitate towards you. You don't have to hurt yourself with your own deprecating words, with your With your, um, crazy diets or crazy supplements that may not even work for you.
Shea: Trust me, [00:08:00] I've gone through it. I've gone through the supplements that make you, in quote, lose weight. I've gone through the extreme workouts and my resistance with my health not have that actually be complementary for me. Every body is different. Every genetic is different and you are perfect the way you are.
Shea: Never let any person or anybody shame you in the way it hurts. Because truly, you already have enough competition with yourself. Why make it harder? For me, I truly struggle with this topic because right now I'm not happy with my body. And I can say that confidently. I can say that with my full chest. I am not confident with my body.[00:09:00]
Shea: I have very low motivation. I have a low tolerance of wanting to put myself out there. What I can say is the best thing I did for me was doing my research. Being surrounded by people who appreciate that I'm not trying to starve myself out. Appreciate that I am who I am regardless of my body type, my body size.
Shea: And yes, I'm going to tell you, there are going to be friends, in quote friends, they're not friends. But there are going to be people who claim they're your friends. They'd say, oh, you look, you look great. But in reality, they're talking bad things behind your back. It happens. And I, I won't even sit here [00:10:00] and deny that it doesn't.
Shea: But that's why we're thicker. Not just thicker in our bodies, but thicker in our skin. The way that we are able to maneuver through society is a whole different mindset too. Although we're in competition with ourselves, beating ourselves down, why aren't I losing weight, all these things, the one thing that I do know is I learned to have thicker skin with thicker skin.
Shea: And what that means is although I was the, the bigger friend, that also made me have the biggest heart. Because although I didn't have the body, at least I had a heart. At least I had a soul to give to other people. And it was so positive. And even though I wasn't the ideal person that people were looking for in a relationship wise, they gravitated because I was naturally [00:11:00] happy.
Shea: I was naturally cheerful. I was an optimist. And it made me have thicker skin. Like it didn't matter what my family thought about me, it didn't matter what my friends thought about me, it didn't matter what society thought about me because I was happy. And truly, when I gained a sense of confidence in myself, and when I looked at myself in the mirror, I didn't say, ew.
Shea: It made me cry. Because it just switched one day. It switched from me saying, ew, change yourself. Ew, check yourself. Ew, don't you think you're not worthy? And then when it switched in my mind that those were not my thoughts. Those were the things I was taught. Those were the things that hurt me. That was hurt speaking to me.
Shea: That wasn't me. That was hurt. And so when I woke up one morning, I [00:12:00] decided to go to my mirror, which I had avoided for so long. I went to my mirror, and it was because I watched a TED Talk. about body image and how to love yourself. And I think in this TED talk, he said, it all starts with you. So you need to get nude really weird, but he said, you have to get nude.
Shea: You have to look at yourself in the mirror and you have to look at your body from your head to your neck, to your shoulders, to your waist, to your thighs, to your ankles. to your feet, all of it, and say, I love you, even if the world doesn't. And I will repeat that again. I love you, even if the world doesn't.
Shea: It is so hard to love yourself, but even [00:13:00] talking to yourself can be a start. Even looking at yourself in the mirror and not saying, ew, but saying, my eyes look beautiful today. You know, my face, it might be a little bit chubby, but it adds character. Oh, you know, my waist, it could be smaller, but I great, I give great hugs.
Shea: In the way that you can take a negative to a positive is so much more beautiful than you think. And something I had to learn was that I wasn't the only one feeling this way. I wasn't the only one beating myself up and bullying myself. Even the most beautiful people that you admire in your day to day life, they experience the same thing.
Shea: They may also look at themselves in the mirror at all their insecurities and still feel [00:14:00]darkness. It's part of human experience. No matter what shape, size, You are. So that leads to the question, if we're all dealing with our own insecurities, why are we comparing ourselves? Why is it when we see someone we admire or may not even know, we're trying to tear them down?
Shea: We pick them apart. Is it because we are that insecure in ourselves that we have to go nitpick at other people's insecurities? No, it's not right. So I am going to end this episode with a story. It is a true story and it is still a bit triggering for me, but I really want to share it because it [00:15:00] really does show you how I learned to have thicker skin through this situation and after the situation.
Shea: So a big disclaimer, this story may be a little bit triggering if you've ever been body shamed, if you've ever had a betrayal behind your back, if you've ever struggled with suicidal thoughts with your mental health and feelings of unworthiness. You've been warned, and I totally understand if you don't want to listen to it.
Shea: So if not, thank you for listening. But for those who stick around, here's a story. At this point in my life, I was really struggling with my mental health. I started going to the gym and eating a little bit healthier and working on my body [00:16:00] piece by piece because I was crying every night. I didn't feel confident in my skin, and I didn't feel worthy of living.
Shea: Living for myself, my partner at the time, my friends, or my family. I just felt like a failure. My partner at the time was playing video games with his friends on Discord, and this person, who was his in quote friend, behind his back, Would he use a hurtful acronym and say it every time my partner talked, every time they played video games together, and even say it to him directly without my partner even knowing what it meant
Shea: the acronym stood for, insert partner's name, has a fat girlfriend. Over and [00:17:00] over and over. Insert partner's name has a fat girlfriend. The night I found out, I was in my partner's car with a different mutual friend of ours. His friend decided to tell me what happened and my partner admitted he knew for three months and didn't tell me because he wanted to protect my mental health.
Shea: In that moment, I was speechless. I was this tone. I, I didn't know what to say. There was a mixture of hurt. There was a, there was just shock. Cause what are you supposed to say in that moment when you find out you've been betrayed, you've been body shamed, And you're struggling. [00:18:00]Way to kick a woman when she's down, right?
Shea: But it's funny. I think the thing that bothered me the most was not the fact that I was shamed about my body. It was the fact that my partner knew he still continued to love me, but didn't think I had thick enough skin to tell me when he found out. And in a way he was right, but in a way he was wrong. It was like, for me anyway, he kind of painted me as this fragile china plate that if, if I heard that or if I found out, I'd break.
Shea: When in actuality, it's like spraying, it's like spraying waterproof, um, sealant. on cracks. It only makes you [00:19:00] stronger once you know. How was I supposed to have more of a fight in me? Because personally, without this testimony of my own real life experience, it wouldn't have made me stronger. It wouldn't have made me who I am right now, confident enough to tell you.
Shea: Yes, I've been shamed. Yes, I've gone through the grief of struggle. But this story really shows how much I've grown. Because although it is, yes, it is still a triggering thing for me, but I can still talk about it. I can still analyze it and realize what that person said about me wasn't about me. It was like a projection.
Shea: of anything that person was going through. Whatever they're dealing with in themselves, [00:20:00] they had to put that on my partner, they had to put that on me. And I'm not gonna tell you that life is fair, because in this story it's not. But I will say, it is one of the reasons now that I look back on and be like, wow, I'm so glad I'm not hurt by that anymore.
Shea: I'm so glad that I have the skin that I do and I've gone through it so that when it happens again or if it ever happens again, I won't be affected and crying and hurt about it. Because in those moments, although you're being destroyed, even though your foundation is breaking, there's nothing to do but build.
Shea: Build a new, sturdy, thicker layer of foundation so you can grow and you can prosper from these things. So that's it guys. [00:21:00] I'm ending it on a kind of sadder note, but I really, really hope you've took something away from the story and how you treat people, how you treat yourselves, and how you can grow from negative situations that hurt you.
Shea: Thank you so much guys for listening to this episode of Subconsciously. I'd love to hear your personal stories if you've ever gone through something. I'm here to listen, I'm here to talk to you, and if you want to reach me On Instagram, it is Scoop Subconsciously. S C O O P S U B C O N S C I O U S L Y.
Shea: Scoop Subconsciously. And I'd love to just start a conversation. So, I'll catch you next time on Subconsciously, where I let my [00:22:00] subconscious thoughts do the talking. Bye for now!
Shea: Think. Feel. Subconsciously.